TV Review: Korgoth of Barbaria (2006)

I wanted to give some love for a great "What if?", Korgoth of Barbaria: 

"The Great Cities have risen and fallen. Civilization's grip on mankind has grown weak and arthritic. Dark forces seek to renew forgotten covenants, and primordial beasts reclaim the wilderness. Out of the frozen north, a man emerges - a man of a barbaric age, whose merciless savagery may be the only key to his survival. They call him Korgoth!"

Produced by Cartoon Network for Adult Swim, Korgoth of Barbaria is set in a post-apocalyptic future Earth that's very likely inspired, in part, by the classic cartoon Thundarr the Barbarian.  Korgoth's world is grim, violent, dirty and sexy, sometimes all at once:

This show is metal, and I'm not just talking about the hard rock intro and soundtrack.  The violence is copious and WAY over the top.  The men are various shades of ugly, while the women are all lovely, voluptuous and highly sexualized.  Pretty much every frame of Korgoth of Barbaria could have been ripped from the pages of Métal Hurlant (known in America as Heavy Metal Magazine).

Like the similarly ridiculously awesome Black Dynamite (2009), Korgoth of Barbaria deftly veers between homage and parody.  On the one hand, the story works fine as a ripping Sword & Sorcery yarn, where the Conan-esque protagonist cleaves his way through mooks and monsters, beds a lusty wench and battles an evil sorcerer.  On the other hand, the show, as the tongue-in-cheek title suggests, also is clearly having a fun time in the process.  For example:

Scrotus: You! You will regret what you have done this day. I will make you regret ever being born! You're going to wish you'd never left your mother's womb, where it was warm, and safe, and wet. I'm going to show you pain you never knew existed. You're going to see a whole new spectrum of pain, like a rainbow! 

Hargon: You tell 'em Scrotus! [screams as Korgoth crushes his head some more] 

Scrotus: But! This rainbow...is not just like any other rainbow, it's… [gets interrupted by Korgoth ripping his skin off]

The production values, writing and direction for this show were great.  Diedrich Bader's gravelly voice is perfect as the titular character, bringing just the right amounts of world weariness, wit, menace and humor.  It's a madcap thrill ride where the viewer never knows what to expect- "They're riding giant pigeons?"

Despite critical acclaim and strong fan support, Cartoon Network reversed its decision to pick up Korgoth of Barbaria and canceled the show after only the pilot episode.  Apparently, it was too expensive to continue.

So, all we are left with is this pilot episode and we can only imagine what might have been.  Still, any fan of Sword & Sorcery would do themselves a disservice if they didn't take a look at this fun and funny modern take on the genre.

SC's Parting Shot: 9 of 10

Session VII, Part I

For saving the world from the Chryssalids, I credit the PCs with experience for two major achievements:

• stopping the Chryssalids from opening a Demon Gate, and

• rescuing the surviving miners.

This brings the Nameless Magic-User up to 2nd level, making her nameless no longer!  S decides that the intrepid wizard will go by the appellation Nausicaä.

[As DM] I say, "That's the protagonist of my favorite Miyazaki film!  She's named after Princess Nausicaä from Homer's The Odyssey."

[OOC] S says, "I'll take it!"


OTOH, Zakalwe is still 2nd level, so you know that I've dumped the olde school Dungeons & Dragons GP = XP rule.

Also, aside from the ridiculous amount of gold that the PCs stole, they find the spells Dancing Lights, Audible Glamour, Web and Fireball and the Gauntlet of Bronn:

Something that irks me slightly about "by the book" Dungeons & Dragons are the generic magic items.  Why are there so many fungible swords +1?  Is there a magic sword factory or something?

IMHO, unless they are use-based (e.g., potions, wands, etc.), magic items should be individually interesting.  I also think that magic items should be rare.


[As DM] I say, "Did you end up assigning Zakalwe's new proficiency from 2nd level?  If not, the Gauntlet of Bronn lobbies for Medium Swords."

[OOC] K says, "I have not, and that seems like as sound advice as you could hope for from clothing."

[As the Gauntlet of Bronn] I say, "The Gauntlet is pleased!"


Also, speaking of the PCs' epic mine jacking, I mention that, after some thought, the PCs need to be careful about handling the stolen gold, lest Messr Dimon and the other mine owners assassinate them.

[As DM] I say, "My suggestion is for the Earth Elemental to phase through the ground underground and leave the gold under some unimproved land away from the mine.  After you leave the mine, buy the unimproved land and then let the Church build an orphanage/school above the gold, whilst retaining title to the property.   That way, the mine owners won't be able to get close to, much less find, the gold because there will always be little kids running around."

[OOC] K says, "Sounds good to me."

[OOC] S says, "Yup."

In their quest to keep their ill gotten loot, the PCs are helped by the immense goodwill generated by saving the world.  When Messr Dimon requests that Colonel Thứ năm investigate the missing gold, the Colonel files the request in the trash can.  The PCs are also constantly offered free drinks and the like, which they try not to abuse...

During yet another consecutive night of carousing, the PCs notice an imposing noblewoman enter the bar, accompanied by a team of experienced adventurers:

History: Battle of Red Cliffs (208)

The above words by Sun Tzu, author of The Art of War (孫子兵法), arguably the greatest book of military strategy of all time, stress the importance of proper preparation before facing a challenge.  So, it's interesting that Cao Cao, who wrote the first and one of the most influential commentaries on The Art of War, would fail to heed Master Sun's teachings at the Battle of Red Cliffs (赤壁之戰).  Red Cliffs is one of the best known battles in Chinese history, due in large part to a somewhat fictionalized account in Romance of the Three Kingdoms, one of the Four Great Classical Novels.  In the centuries since then, Red Cliffs has been further popularized by numerous films, television series and computer games.

In terms of the overall geopolitical situation, by 208, after decades of turmoil and civil war, Cao Cao, prime minister and commanding general of the Han Dynasty, had reunified much of northern China.  However, to win in the South, he would first need to secure the strategically vital Yangtze river.  Two powerful warlords, Liu Bei and Sun Quan, stood in the way:

An interesting fact about Red Cliffs is that we do not definitively know where the battle was fought, with several places nowadays competing for tourism revenue.

What we do know is that, after an initially successful advance south to the Yangtze, Cao Cao put his vastly numerically superior army onto boats and sailed east on the river to meet the combined Sun-Liu forces.  Although a skilled and seasoned commander, Cao Cao displayed little of this at Red Cliffs, relying instead on sheer weight of numbers and brute force.  After an indecisive initial skirmish, the allies tricked Cao Cao with a group of fake defectors who used fire ships to burn up a large number of the Han troop transports.

Cao Cao abandoned his ships and fled northwest through swampland, harassed by the rebels and taking huge losses.  Disease and shattered morale added to his woes.  Eventually, remnants of the imperial army were forced to leave the Yangtze river basin and retreat all the way back to their home base.

As noted above, it is interesting that a talented and successful general such as Cao Cao would make these kinds of mistakes.  My own supposition is that Cao's grip on the territories that he'd recently reconquered was tenuous and that much, perhaps the majority, of his army consisted of forces from these recently reconquered areas and whose loyalty was uncertain.  Thus, he wanted to push forward with the reunification of China while he still had the momentum and strategic initiative, using a rollup strategy.  However, Cao Cao's army also faced numerous challenges, including the great skill of the opposing generals, lack of naval experience, lack of familiarity with the area, etc.

Ultimately, it was a risky move that blew up in his face.

The more prudent approach would have been to wait for a better opportunity.  In the words of Master Sun:

"He who knows when he can fight and when he cannot will be victorious."

Session VI, Part V

For convenience, here is the map of the third level of the gold mine again:

Having cleared their enemies in Room #18 (Mining Administration), the parties notices that the oxygen level is dipping rather low, as the Greek Fire continues to burn, so they decide to head north.  Hearing something inside Room #12 (Accounting), the PCs burst in after Subotai checks for traps and find a pair of Chryssalids going over the gold mine's books!

Immediately, the room fills up with magic smoke and the party flees!  As Zakalwe is securing the door with iron spikes, he notices a horde of scarab beetles racing toward him.  The Nameless Magic-User pours out the industrial acid in her vials, creating an acid moat and trapping the beetles inside the room.

After the flames die down, the party returns to Mining Administration and heads east down the stairs toward Room #19, feeling background magical energy increasing with every step.  Subotai finds a number of traps, but they've all been destroyed by the Greek Fire.

As the PCs ponder what to do next, Lieutenant Phùng mentions that the Chryssalids very likely have the door guarded and that it may be best to make an end around with the Wand of Passwall to the gold deposits next to the bottom of the stairs.

The party does so, catching the Chryssalids completely by surprise again, while the insectoids are in the middle of a massive ritual sacrifice:

In the surprise round, Zakalwe hurls a Holy Hand Grenade and the Nameless Magic-User uses the Scroll of Earth Elemental Summoning, while the rest of the party attacks the lookouts!

Chryssalid Wizards #3 - 5 are slain!

Chryssalids #13 - 16 are slain!

Hell goats #11 - 14 are slain!

Zombies #35 - 48 are slain!

In the next round, Zakalwe hurls a Holy Hand Grenade and the Nameless Magic-User casts Invisibility, while an angry Earth Elemental appears!

[As the Nameless Magic-User] S says to the Earth Elemental, "Hulk, smash!"

The insectoids shriek in terror as the Earth Elemental smashes!

Chryssalids #17 - 21 are slain!

Hell goats #15 & 16 are slain!

Zombies #49 - 68 are slain!

The Chryssalid Queen rushes forward to rally her shattered forces!

The Chryssalid Queen casts Disintegrate on the Earth Elemental, who staggers backward and collapses, grievously wounded!

The Chryssalid Queen shrieks in triumph and scuttles smugly forward to deliver the coup de grâce… when the Nameless Magic-User nails the massive insectoid in the face with a jar of Greek Fire!

Drenched in clinging flames, the Chryssalid Queen screams and writhes until her exoskeleton bursts!

The Chryssalid Queen is slain!

In retaliation, a Chryssalid wizard casts Fireball on the party!  The Nameless Magic-User makes her save, taking half damage, and is reduced to 2 hit points!  Lieutenant Phùng isn't as lucky.

Lieutenant Phùng is slain!

A segment later the other remaining Chryssalid wizard casts Web, catching all the party except for the Nameless Magic-User.

As it regenerates, the Earth Elemental roars and lurches back to its feet!

[As the Nameless Magic-User] S says to the Earth Elemental, "Hulk, smash!"

The Chryssalids don't have anything left that can repel firepower of that magnitude, and the Earth Elemental squashes all remaining insectoid resistance with murderous rage!

The Chryssalids are utterly destroyed!

Zakalwe has managed to break free of the web and finds the remaining scores of miners in cages.  After a moment, the PCs decide to use their last Holy Hand Grenade to make sure that the miners are free of Chryssalid impregnation.

[OOC] S says, "While the rest of the party is webbed up, we steal all the gold in the storeroom!"

[As DM] I ask, "Wait, what?  There's a ton of gold.  Literally."

[OOC] S says, "That's not a problem for an Earth Elemental.  We steal all the gold.  ALL THE GOLD!"

[As DM] I say, "Okay, that makes sense.  Um."

Session VI, Part IV

For convenience, here is the map of the third level of the gold mine again:

As the party rallies in the Ore Processing Facility (Room #15), the PCs can hear the Chryssalids hard at work, doing something.  Quick scouting reveals that they've hastily erected a barricade made of equipment and furniture to block the hallway to the south and that the door to the north is similarly impassable.


Moments later, the PCs hear scuttling from the barricade to the south and then they see a scarab beetle creep into view.

The beetle seems to be spying on the party, pausing to look them over, so the PCs chase it away with torches.


[OOC] S asks, "Can we collect some of the industrial acid?"

[As DM] I say, "Yes, there are some vials you can use."


The PCs continue to hear the Chryssalids hard at work.  After a few moments, the party decides to head east toward Room #16.  Subotai takes point.  When they reach the end of the hallway, the Mongolian thief checks for traps and disarms the door.  As the party enters the room, they are greeted with an unearthly gleam:

The party has found the gold mine's store room!

Immediately, the legionnaires start stuffing their pockets with gold nuggets!

[As the Nameless Magic-User] S says, "Hey, put the gold down!  You'll become encumbered!"

Reluctantly, the legionnaires put the loot back.

The party uses the Wand of Passwall to sneak into Room #18, catching the Chryssalids completely off guard!  The insectoids are in the middle of rallying their forces and the PCs see a Chryssalid wizard speaking with the scarab beetle spy.

In the surprise round, Zakalwe pulls the pin to a Holy Hand Grenade and the Nameless Magic-User hurls a jar of Greek Fire! The western half of the room is bathed in divine golden light while the eastern half of the room is bathed in manmade flames.


Chryssalid Wizard #1 is slain!


Chryssalids #7 - 10 are slain!


Hell goats #6 - 8 are slain!


The Scarab Beetle spy is slain!


Zombies #21 - 35 are slain!


The enemy survivors rush out the door to the north.


[OOC, expectantly] S says to K, "You know what's useful in long, narrow corridors?"

[OOC] K says, "Oh, yeah."


Zakalwe blasts the fleeing enemies with his Wand of Lightning Bolts!

Chryssalid Wizard #2 is slain!


Chryssalids #11 & 12 are slain!


Hell goats #9 - 11 are slain!

Movie Review: Ninja Scroll (1993)

I wanted to give a shout out to my favorite animated film of all time, Ninja Scroll:

Better known in its native Japan as "獣兵衛忍風帖," Ninja Scroll is a stunning accomplishment.  Visually breathtaking, with a dark, twisted mystery and a tough-as-nails protagonist that would make Raymond Chandler proud and filled with explosive action, rich details, a wry sense of humor and interesting characters, this is a great story.  Full stop.

The plot follows wandering adventurer Kimagabei Jubei (牙神 獣兵衛), as he inadvertently becomes embroiled in a plot by an old enemy that will determine the fate of Japan.  Ninja Scroll has ninjas, samurai, super spies, demons, dark sorcery, and even pirates (sort of).  The only thing it doesn't have is a scroll.

As far as I can tell, that's the ONLY problem with Ninja Scroll.  Blending fiction and historical fact, the film is set in a well realized Fantasy Japan that's logical and internally consistent.  This logical bent extends to the superb character design, where the characters' skills and abilities make internal sense, are consistent, and sometimes take the story in unexpected directions.  Furthermore, the characters' flaws and foibles make them three-dimensional and relatable and also take the story in unexpected directions as well.

Writer/Director Kawajiri Yoshiaki's (川尻 善昭) attention to detail is outstanding and pays off in really inventive ways, such as the wire connected to Jubei's sword.

Also, the various plots within plots would make Frank Herbert proud.

Even if characters and the story were dumb (which, thankfully, is not the case), the fight scenes themselves are worth the price of admission.  As Jubei and his unexpected companions, Kagero and Dakuan, battle the Eight Devils of Kimon (鬼門八人衆), combat features gory splatterfests, chess-like strategy, clever misdirection and just about everything in between.  Jubei may be  a master swordsman and ninja, but the Devils of Kimon have him clearly outgunned and our reluctant hero only manages to triumph through various combinations of trickery, teamwork and luck.  Fight choreography is uniformly excellent.

As fair warning, Ninja Scroll does feature more than a little graphic sexual content, but such is part of the story and never simply for the cheesecake factor.  Personally, I think it adds to the sense of this bold, no-holds barred style of storytelling.

I've loved this movie to bits ever since it was released on VHS.  And the quality of the art and the story is such that it still holds up well after more than two decades.  Truly a masterwork.

SC's Parting Shot: 10 of 10

Session VI, Part III

Among the survivors in Medical, the PCs find this wiry fellow:

He jumps to his feet and proclaims, "I am Subotai! Thief and archer! I am Mongolian... the great order of Kerlait!"

Subotai is, of course, Conan the Barbarian's totally awesome partner in crime from the eponymous film of 1982.

[As DM] I say, "The character is played by the legendary surfer Gerry Lopez, who's obviously not Asian.  Messr Lopez did a fantastic job, but that has always irked me a bit."

[OOC] K says, "Well, that's really not that bad for an 80's casting decision."

Obviously, Jenette Goldstein as Vasquez is even more problematic since they substantially darkened her natural complexion.  Anyways...


For Subotai, I square the circle thusly: Though born an Iberian Roman, he grew up on the steppes of Mongolia and adopted the local ways and customs, joining the powerful Kerlait tribe as a blood brother and changing his name.  Later on, he became an adventurer, travelled to Fantasy Vietnam and joined Vasquez's team.

[As Subotai] I say, "Speaking of which, Vasquez and I were the last ones left after our team was wiped out by the bugs.  We were fleeing for the entrance when I was grabbed by a Chryssalid.  Did she make it out?"

[As Zakalwe] K says, "Um, no, sorry."

Subotai shakes his fist at the ceiling.  Seeking payback, he asks to join the party and the PCs accept.

The PCs also find a ritual dagger, which the Chryssalid embryo was using to perform unnecessary surgery:

[As DM] I say, "The dagger is a powerful magic weapon.  However, like Warduke's demon-possessed sword, the dagger immediately starts psychically urging you to engage in sociopathic behavior."

[As the Nameless Magic-User, without hesitation] S says, "We drop it in the vat of industrial acid at the bottom of the shaft."

[As DM] I say, "As regards the shaft, Subotai mentions that it leads down to the Ore Processing Facility (Room #15) on the third level of the gold mine.  Obviously, there are a bunch of Chryssalids in there, but if you could clear the room, you'd save a lot of time reaching the Chryssalid mages that are trying to open a Demon Gate."

This, of course, would also bypass the other horrific things I have planned on the second level of the gold mine, but I'm cool with that.  There will be other opportunities to reuse such later in this campaign or in a future campaign. *Evil DM cackle*

The PCs think heading directly down to the Ore Processing Facility is a good idea.  First, they shepherd the survivors from Medical and Engineering to the Panic Room.

[As Zakalwe] K says, "Remember, only open the door if it's us."

The new lead legionnaire rappels down the shaft from Medical to the Ore Processing Facility.  Just after he drops into the new room, suddenly the shaft fills with magic smoke and the rappelling rope jerks violently.  When the smoke clears, the rope slowly swings ominously from side to side sans the legionnaire.

Legionnaire #5 is slain!



[OOC] K says, "We drop a Holy Hand Grenade down the shaft."

[As DM] I say, "The shaft is actively monitored by Chryssalids and is above a vat of industrial acid.  How do you handle the timing and distance issues?"

[OOC] K says, "Well, we know the shaft's distance to the Ore Processing Facility, so we'll tie a bunch of knots around the Holy Hand Grenade to secure it and make it difficult for the Chryssalids to figure out what's going on, pull the pin, and drop it just short of entering Ore Processing Facility."

Chryssalids #1-6 are slain!

Literature Review: The Eye of Argon (1970)

Happy New Year!

Let's ring in 2015 with a look back at one of the most well known and best loved Sword & Sorcery stories.  In the annals of S & S, there are masterworks, such as the Conan the Barbarian stories by R.E. Howard and the Kane the Mystic Swordsman stories by Karl Edward Wagner.  And then there is The Eye of Argon:

Although described as the "worst fantasy novel ever," The Eye of Argon is actually a quite serviceable, if derivative, heroic fantasy story.  This ripping yarn follows Gringr the Barbarian and his misadventures in the civilized lands and is, in fact, a reasonable pastiche of a Conan story.

However, what puts The Eye of Argon solidly in the "So Bad it's Good" category is Messr Theis' florid choice and misuse of language.  Combined with numerous typos and misspellings, the reader can't help but burst out laughing.  For example:

The enthused barbarian swilveled about, his shock of fiery red hair tossing robustly in the humid air currents as he faced the attack of the defeated soldier's fellow in arms. 

"Damn you, barbarian" Shrieked the soldier as he observed his comrade in death.

The reader can tell Messr Theis understands the basic tropes of S & S.  This combines with his misunderstanding of various other things (such as the definition of "slut"), his purple prose, and Theis' obvious enthusiasm and transforms into comedy gold.

Here is one of my favorite parts of the story:

The girl gasped a tortured groan from her clamped lungs, her sea blue eyes bulging forth from damp sockets. Cocking her right foot backwards, she leashed it desperately outwards with the strength of a demon possessed, lodging her sandled foot squarely between the shaman's testicles. 

The startled priest released his crushing grip, crimping his body over at the waist overlooking his recessed belly; wide open in a deep chasim. His face flushed to a rose red shade of crimson, eyelids fluttering wide with eyeballs protruding blindly outwards from their sockets to their outmost perimeters, while his lips quivered wildly about allowing an agonized wallow to gust forth as his breath billowed from burning lungs. His hands reached out clutching his urinary gland as his knees wobbled rapidly about for a few seconds then buckled, causing the ruptured shaman to collapse in an egg huddled mass to the granite pavement, rolling helplessly about in his agony.

Over the decades, criticism of this story has gone overboard.  Messr Theis was 16 years old when he wrote this story.  For a fanzine.

I can recall writing some pretty craptastic things at that age, too.  His story being continually mocked hurt Theis and he never wrote any more fiction.


As an example of this dogpiling, some people have poked fun at the drawings that were in the original fanzine (that were not even drawn by Theis).  However, these illustrations generally aren't that bad for a fanzine:

Especially considering what passed for professional art in Original Dungeons & Dragons:

Both beautifully terrible and terribly beautiful, The Eye of Argon is an inadvertent work of mad genius, a la Plan 9 from Outer Space.  Any Sword & Sorcery fan with a sense of humor would be well served to take a look.

新年快樂！

SC's Parting Shot: 9 of 10