Movie Review: The Lost Bladesman (2011)

Although the Three Kingdoms period of Chinese history is a popular subject in East Asian media,  most epic dramas suffer from being overly melodramatic or underwhelming as actioners.  Starring Donnie Yen, arguably the finest martial artist in films today, I wanted to give a shout out to an under appreciated historical action flick that deftly avoids both problems, The Lost Bladesman:

In the Romance of the Three Kingdoms, few heroes loom as large as the legendary warrior Guan Yu.  Not only is he a peerless fighter, armed with an imposing signature weapon (The Green Dragon Crescent Blade (青龍偃月刀), though this may be anachronistic since there's no proof of that the guandao was invented prior to the 11th century), he's also seen as a paragon of loyalty and righteousness.  In fact, the dude is actually worshipped in many parts of East Asia (e.g., there's a shrine to him in every police station in Hong Kong)!

Thus, it it unsurprising that he has been celebrated in numerous books, films, video games and other media for two millennia.

Although Guan Yu is a historical figure, since he was popularized in the Romance of the Three Kingdoms, which is a mix of fact and fiction, many of his most famous tales of derring-do are myths.  Such is the case with The Lost Bladesman: Based on the fictional story of Guan Yu crossing five passes and slaying six generals, the film actually begins with the great warrior's funeral in 220 and is told by his frenemy Cao Cao, the prime minister of the Han Dynasty.

Quickly, the action reverts back 20 years to the Battle of Baima (白馬之戰), where Guan Yu temporarily allies with Cao Cao and defeats a common enemy.  The prime minister showers the warrior with title and treasure to try to win the latter's loyalty.  However Guan Yu stays true to his sworn brother, the rebel warlord Liu Bei.

Thereafter, Guan Yu battles his way back to rejoin Liu Bei's army, facing both deadly foes and cunning treachery.  However, it is treachery that ultimately defeats the undefeatable warrior, as Cao Cao muses at the end of the film that such a hero is ultimately a tool to be sacrificed by his sworn brother in such chaotic times.

As a period piece, The Lost Bladesman is a finely crafted reimaging of the source material, with lush cinematography, and avoids being ponderous or overly serious.  Donnie Yen proves his dramatic chops and carries the show admirably.  The feel of the movie is realistic and lived in.  Also, like a good Greek tragedy, the characters are driven by their strengths (duty and honor) into conflict, and Guan Yu's opponents are more than just 2D cutouts.

As an action film, this movie kicks ass, a lot of it:

As action director, Messr Yen is equally strong.  Each combat features different fighting styles and signature weapons.   Guan Yu is clearly a badass, but his feats never break the viewer's verisimilitude or cross the line into cartoonishness.

If you like Iron Age action films, The Lost Bladesman is at the top of the heap.  Plus, it's worth it just to see someone able to wield a guandao with such aplomb!

SC's Parting Shot: 9 of 10

Session XI, Part II

Afterward, the party meets with the Marquise de Courcy, who tells them that she has been contacted by someone who knows where the Marquis de Picard is being held.

[OOC] M asks, "So, why exactly is this our problem?"

[As DM] I say, "Well, the Marquis de Picard is the head of the Adventurers' Guild and has been generally helpful to the party."

To sweeten the deal, the Marquise de Courcy gives the party a Wand of Invisibility, 15' Radius (3 charges).


The Marquise then tells the PCs that they should contact Papa Midnite to find out more about Picard.  Immediately, K and S groan.

[OOC] K says to M, "Papa Midnite is a druid and a running theme in our campaigns is that all druids are dicks."

[As DM] I say, "Well, you know, you guys did screw up his business deal by blatantly lying to him and Gouverneur Đào."

[OOC] M asks, "Wait, Papa Midnite is a druid?"

[As DM] I say, "Yes, PCs are limited to the core four classes, but NPCs can be anything."

When the PCs meet with Papa Midnite and his business partner, Black Dynamite, Papa Midnite is smiling way too much.  Quickly, the party finds out why: in exchange for the information, Papa Midnite wants Zakalwe and Nausicaä to bark like a dog.

Zakalwe fails his Willpower roll but succeeds on a Charisma roll and convinces Papa Midnite that it is in his best interest that the Marquis de Picard is rescued.


The PCs find out that, after the Veiled Society got what they wanted, they sold Picard to a local crime syndicate that runs a gambling den out of a nondescript house in the outskirts of the city:

After some debate, the party decides to use stealth.  To get in, the PCs disguise themselves as servants.

[As DM] I say, "That picture is just for general reference, as slavery was abolished in Fantasy Vietnam due to lobbying from the Church."

Zakalwe tucks his dagger into his tunic, Nausicaä disguises her spear as a broom, and the Second Nameless Magic-User hides his bow under his cloak.  After the PCs convince the porter that they are the new maintenance staff, he takes them on a tour of the gambling den.  In the basement, the porter says they are not to approach the rooms in the southern half of this floor and leaves them in the servants'  hall to get ready for their shift.  

After the porter leaves, the PCs ignore the porter's warning and head out of the servants'  hall and take a left.  Trying to listen in on the first door, the party instead alerts the occupants, who enter the hallway with swords drawn!

The first round of combat is inconclusive, and two more gangsters come out of the next room!

In the next round, Zakalwe and Nausicaä miss their opponents, but the Second Nameless Magic-User rolls a Critical Success and drills a gangster with his bow!

Gangster #1 is slain!

[As Nausicaä] S says to Zakalwe, "Hey, get your butt in gear!  You're being shown up by a Nameless Magic-User!"

[As DM] I say, "You know, Zakalwe could pick up Gangster #1's medium sword."

After the fighter does so, he has more luck and cuts down another gangster!

Gangster #2 is slain!


The remaining gangsters throw down their weapons and surrender.  Quickly, the party finds Picard:

[OOC] M says, "There are *FOUR* lights!"

[As DM] I say, "Yep."

The PCs tell their prisoners to flee and tell the other gangsters that there are intruders.  Using the Wand of Invisibility, 15' Radius, the party escapes without much difficulty during the commotion.

Literature Review: Maureen Birnbaum, Barbarian Swordsperson (1982)

In the annals of Fantasy literature, successful comedic works written to be intentionally humorous are rare, although unintentionally comedic ones can certainly be tear jerkingly funny.  Of the former, one of the cleverest standouts in the field is Maureen Birnbaum, Barbarian Swordsperson by George Alec Effinger:

Spoofing the Barsoom Series (a.k.a. The John Carter of Mars Series) by Edgar Rice Burroughs, Maureen Birnbaum, Barbarian Swordsperson follows the adventures of the titular character, as chronicled by her best friend Bitsy Spiegelman. A la John Carter, in this short story, Maureen "Muffy" Birnbaum is mysteriously whisked away to Fantasy Mars, finds she has fantastic abilities due to being an Earthwoman and slays a giant monster with her sword (nicknamed 'Old Betsy').

One small issue, however, is that, while Muffy may have been transported to Mars, her clothes were not:

I was cold because-we're just going to have to live without ice, I think, Bitsy, because this hotel probably has a goddam policy against it or something, so just pour it in the glass-I was standing there in the proverbial buff!

Despite being au naturel, Mlle Birnbaum saves Prince Van and gets marginally more clothes.

Messr Effinger writes a lively yarn, filled with easy wit, that turns the Damsel in Distress trope on its head, by having the Martian prince be helpless.

Furthermore, much of the comedy derives from the fact that, flying in the face of the genre conventions, the protagonist is a beautiful, well-meaning and affluent young woman who's obsessed with fashion and the like, a la Cher from Clueless (1995):

For example, Mlle Birnbaum is shocked, I say, shocked, to find out that there no malls in Fantasy Mars!  Consequently, the reader gets a two-for-one deal on satire, as the author deftly skewers both Sword & Planet and privilege at the same time.

Unsurprisingly, the inspiration for the story came when Messr Effinger was enjoying a cheeseburger, fries and large coke at a college hangout and overheard the conversation of four Tulane co-eds:

The conversation ran the entire emotional gamut from sweaters to-God forbid-Peter Pan collars.  And they spoke in frequent italics.  You could just hear them chiming.

Maureen Birnbaum, Barbarian Swordsperson is great fun, and, as you might expect, as Mlle Birnbaum continues her misadventures in later stories throughout other genres, including Isaac Asimov's Nightfall and Lovecraftian Horror!  A humorously original gender-swapping take on Planetary Romance, this short story is a modern classic and a well worth a read!

SC's Parting Shot: 9 of 10

Session XI, Part I

Normally, I'm not keen about roleplaying one (DM) on one (Player), since it feels to me like mental quickdraw with the contest weighted unfairly in favor of the DM.  However, since I've played Arkham Horror solo before, I knew that the board, by taking discretion away from the DM, would rebalance the scales.  

S and I had a lot of fun last session.  A couple of the house rules that worked really well were:

o The fog of war: limiting how far S could see on the board added a lot of tension to the game, as every Movement Phase became a risk/reward calculation!

o The randomized drawing of Mythos cards: by only drawing a Mythos card, with a Doom Track of 12, S knew the game would run between 12 and 48 rounds (later extended to 14 to 56 rounds, after she used two Elder Signs). Consequently, S became increasingly nervous after round 25!

For the last session, I credit the PC with experience for one major achievement:

•  saving the city.

This brings Nausicaä up to 3rd level!

M, a new player, joins the group!  Like D, M is a long time gamer and like D and K, he is an old friend of mine.  M is playing the Second Nameless Magic-User:

o  Str 12, Int 17, Wil 17, Dex 16, Con 14, Cha 11

o Base HP: 7

o Proficiencies: Additional encounter HD, Bow

o Skill Points: Has one point each in Misdirection, Research, Medicine, and two points in Stealth

[As DM] I ask M, "What spells will you prepare before the session?"

[OCC] M says, "Burning Hands..."

[OCC] S says, "Hey, I don't have Burning Hands.  How about we trade?"

[As DM] I say, "Whatever PCs do is their own business."

[OCC] S says to M, "Okay, I'll take all the spells in your spell book."

[OCC] M says to S, "Okay, I'll take all the spells in *your* spell book."

As High Priest Kanye flees Buôn Ma Thuột, the Lieutenant-Gouverneur, who turned around and returned to the city instead of stopping the prison break at Terrible Injustice Prison, moves to intercept.

Suddenly, a war elephant ridden by a fierce warrior woman appears!

The war elephant ROFL-stomps the Lieutenant-Gouverneur and his elite bodyguard!

The fierce warrior woman stares at the party for a few moments and then motions them over, saying, "I don't have all day, you know.  Hurry up and come over here, so I can kill you!"

[OCC] M says, "Okay, I go over there."

[OCC] K says, "Well, given this campaign, I'm pretty certain that that would be an instadeath."

The party flees!

Culture: Onigiri (~700)

For over a millennia, the Japanese have enjoyed arguably the greatest "on the go" food in the world,  Onigiri (お握り).   A simple combination of rice, a filling and a bit of salt (often wrapped in seaweed and sometimes accompanied with a topping) produces a taste sensation that serves as everything from a yummy snack to a healthy and filling meal.  In the words of the immortal Strong Bad, on a scale from one to awesome, Onigiri is super great!

Since at least the Nara period (奈良時代), people in Japan have rolled rice into balls for ease of consumption.  Nowadays, onigiri is also often shaped as a triangle, especially when sold in convenience stores, although balls are common for bento boxes:

As you might expect, people have been doing creative things with the presentation of onigiri for a long time:

Among the most awesome inventions from the Land of the Rising Sun, the popularity of onigiri has  understandably spread through out East Asia and even reached California, which is unsurprising as the aptly named Golden State often serves to introduce great ideas to the rest of America.

Here, we see no less a personage than the ridiculously badass Kibagami Jubei enjoying one of these suckers!

If you're in the mood for some onigiri yourself but don't know where to start, check out this video from the hi*LAR*ious series Cooking with Dog:

やった !